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What hasn’t happened to Justin Bieber this week?

What has not happened to Justin Bieber this week

Barely a day has gone by in the past week in which the teen star hasn’t been the subject of a new, sometimes-deadly, always-crazy rumor.

What happened to Bieber? What hasn’t happened?

1. He Died—Again: As we noted earlier, the weekend hoax was the fourth time since last August that the Biebster had gone to teen-idol heaven. This time, per Snopes.com, he supposedly was done in by a drug overdose.

2. He Got Outed by CNN for Contracting Syphilis: This one’s just plain mean. It’s easy enough, after all, to prove you’re alive. It’s beyond invasive to prove you don’t have a sexually transmitted disease. Bieber needn’t bother to do anything, of course. CNN did not report, as rumored, on the state of Bieber’s health.

3. He Bribed Somebody to Cover Up the Fake Syphilis Story: This one’s just plain laughable. The funniest part? Nobody seems to know who the reputed somebody—Chris Johnson—is. You know how many notable Chris Johnsons there are? Thirteen, per Wikipedia. You know how many Chris Johnsons there are in the world? A bajillion, per us. Gather.com guesses it might be one of their own Bieber-covering writers—one Chris Johnson, of course.

4. He Broke His Neck. While rushing to bribe Chris Johnson? Nah. In a car accident.

5. He Got Busted for Bar-Hopping. For a change, this one is not a rumor. Which is not to say it’s a true story, either. TMZ reports police were called to a Maryland bar on a tip that the under-age singer was celebrating Miller time. Turns out the imbiber in question was not Bieber, but a perfectly innocent 27-year-old woman rocking Bieber bangs.

Yes, that is some week. Why, if the real Bieber hadn’t been snapped frolicking on a beach in the Bahamas with Kim Kardashian, we’d accuse him of slacking off.